Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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