when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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