I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
