just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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