Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We have started to decorate penises.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
