I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
