maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
