Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
