When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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