A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
