On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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