On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
