i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
