at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
