Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
