No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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