Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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