So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
