hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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