While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
