You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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