My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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