I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
