I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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