I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
