well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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