I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
