K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
