I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
