I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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