I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I have aggressive nipples.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
