Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
