I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I supernannyed him into submission
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
