He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
