3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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