You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
