how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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