I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
