Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
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