Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
