Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
