Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Can you bring me the toilet please
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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