just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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