She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
