you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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