You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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