okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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