Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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