saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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