Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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