Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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